“Please welcome to the stage, Gary Barlow and...Cheryl!” And so the newly surname-less Cheryl pranced onto the Jubilee stage like the most beautiful deer in the entire world, opened her mouth, and then Twitter exploded.
The jubilee taught us many things. Standing for five hours on a boat in the rain when you’re three hundred years old will probably result in a short stay in hospital. Grace Jones likes to Hula-Hoop. And Cheryl Cole, Tweedy, whatever – can’t sing.
She’s rebranded herself as a one-name wonder presumably to distance herself from previous incarnations – ‘Cheryl Cole’ (Simon Cowell’s long-lashed ratings booster) and ‘Cheryl Tweedy’ (Geordie lass who murdered a toilet attendant in cold blood or something like that, I forget).
So if she can’t sing, and she can’t really dance, and she can’t write music - then how the hell is this her third solo album? How is it clocking up five zillion pre-orders? And most importantly, how does it manage to sound…quite good? Yep, 'A Million Lights' is quite good. It’s not great, it’s not even good, but it’s getting there.
There are enough memorable moments for 'A Million Lights' to keep people satisfied, even if these moments seem to have been achieved with a success-by-numbers strategy; that idea that if you tick enough boxes then some of them are going to be the right ones. The first track, 'Under The Sun' is a genuinely delightful opener, crunchy with electronica and as synthetic as a handful of candarel. On the pop spectrum it borders on being ‘alternative’, and the chorus is summery and boozy, like a group of sunburned holidaymakers leaving a pub at 3am on the Costa Del Sol. 'Girl In The Mirror' is a stand out track, chaotic and hypnotic with smashed glass sound effects, and then there’s 'Call My Name', the Calvin Harris produced Number 1 that is catchy by virtue of its mindless repetitiveness. The title track, 'A Million Lights' isn’t bad either as far as Lana Del Rey-esque piano ballads go, but Cheryl’s voice is not evocative or original enough to really do it justice. Cheryl ventures into dubstep with 'Love Killer' and 'Screw You', but both are quite forgettable songs which could have been something more if they’d been performed by someone with a bit more might in their voice, a bit of a punch. Not even an appearance by Will.i.am can save 'Craziest Things'. Cheryl’s computer-polished vocals are so strenuously auto-tuned that she starts to sound a bit like Chet Baker if he’d been built by Apple Computers.
'Ghetto Baby' is easily the most uncomfortable track on the album. It sounds exactly like a bad Lana Del Ray parody, which is understandable since Lana Del Ray wrote it. Like Cheryl, Del Ray is not known for having a spectacular live voice, but she nevertheless has personality in her recorded sound, at times childlike and haunting, sometimes earthy and sensual, but Cheryl Cole possesses no such complexities to her voice. 'Ghetto Baby' only reinforces the face that Cheryl is a mouthpiece for other people’s ideas and words, and in this case it sounds frankly embarrassing.
All things considered, 'A Million Lights' is not a bad album. In fact, for someone with little vocal talent and no song writing ability, it’s a complete masterpiece. But if you put a sock on your hand and make it mime a few Shakespeare sonnets, it doesn’t make the sock a literary genius. Because it’s a sock.
The success of this album relies solely on Cheryl’s talent for celebrity. When we mock-gasped at her ineptitude at the Jubilee Concert, she was only confirming something that we already knew. Ultimately, her lack of talent doesn’t make a difference to how successful she is in the music industry. Cheryl is a refreshingly private, honest, down to earth, funny and beautiful young woman. She understands the business she’s in and she knows how to make the most of it. 'A Million Lights' is going to blast its way to the top regardless of its faults. Cynical? Why yes, of course. But that’s show business, kid.
Wed October 3rd 2012 - Odyssey Arena, Belfast
Thu October 4th 2012 - The O2, Dublin
Sat October 6th 2012 - Nottingham Arena, Nottingham
Sun October 7th 2012 - The O2, London
Tue October 9th 2012 - Motorpoint Arena Sheffield, Sheffield
Thu October 11th 2012 - Liverpool Echo Arena, Liverpool
Fri October 12th 2012 - LG Arena Birmingham, Birmingham
Sat October 13th 2012 - Manchester Arena, Manchester
Mon October 15th 2012 - SECC, Glasgow
Tue October 16th 2012 - Metro Radio Arena, Newcastle
Wed October 17th 2012 - Metro Radio Arena, Newcastle
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The jubilee taught us many things. Standing for five hours on a boat in the rain when you’re three hundred years old will probably result in a short stay in hospital. Grace Jones likes to Hula-Hoop. And Cheryl Cole, Tweedy, whatever – can’t sing.
